How I Uncovered the Hidden Patterns Behind Substack and Why I’ll Never Write The Same Way Again
Are You Making These Mistakes?
Most people track the obvious metrics on Substack:
Word count
Day of the week
Top authors by earnings
Boring 😴
I realized there is much more to it and had some questions:
What tone wins?
Does 1st person really perform better than 3rd?
What about the rhythm of sentences?
Are listicles outperforming essays?
What headlines lead to replies vs shares?
You can’t boil writing down to best practices.
But I realized there are patterns hidden in the best writing itself.
So I went to good ol’ ChatGPT and got to work on a content-level analysis (e.g., tone, writing level, POV, title structure, rhythm, hooks, formatting, etc.) has not been done at scale publicly.
🌊 Variables to Measure for a Deep Dive
Buckle up, there’s a lot.
Structure
Word count, paragraph length, formatting (bullets, bold, italics, headers)
Style
1st vs 3rd person, personal vs professional, story-driven vs analytical
Tone
Empathetic, urgent, funny, angry, hopeful, academic
POV
Personal experience, expert authority, outsider observer
Writing Level
Readability score (Flesch-Kincaid), grade level
Hook Style
Question, statement, stat/fact, quote, cliffhanger, dialogue
Headline Types
Listicle, curiosity gap, how-to, contrarian, data-backed, question-based
Topic Tags
AI, productivity, personal growth, politics, marketing, writing
Posting Frequency
Weekly, daily, sporadic
Call to Action
Newsletter signup, product plug, community engagement, none
Multimedia Use
Image, embedded tweets, charts, audio, video
Distribution
Shared on X, LinkedIn, organic-only, cross-promoted
Emotional Triggers
Fear, hope, greed, belonging, love, anger
🦇 Holy Variables Batman!
If you had just 10 binary variables, you'd already have 2¹⁰ = 1,024 combinations.
Let’s assume ~20 meaningful variables with 3–5 values each:
Average of 4 values per variable → 4²⁰ = ~1.1 * 10¹² possible combinations.
Now, not all are equally important or independent. So you’d want to:
Weight them by importance to reactions (claps, likes, shares, email replies).
Cluster them by correlated behaviors (e.g. short + humor + personal = viral cluster).
🏋️ Estimated Weighting of Each Variable (1–10)
Here we go again, but now were getting close to figuring out what makes Substack posts sticky.
Headline/Hook: 10
Your headline is the entry point. It's 80% of success.
Topic relevance: 9
Timely or timeless = traction.
POV and Authenticity: 9
1st-person, emotionally honest beats corporate fluff every time.
Format & Layout: 8
Easy to skim? You win. Dense walls of text? You lose.
Story vs Analytical balance: 8
Personal story with embedded insight > pure data or memoir.
Call to Action: 7
Many forget this. Even “Reply and tell me…” doubles engagement.
Length (mapped to tone): 7
Long = OK if emotional/insightful. Short = better for viral hooks.
Writing Level (readability): 6
6th–8th grade level typically performs best.
Tone (relatable vs academic): 6
Conversational wins on Substack.
Visuals: 5
Images help, but only if relevant and not filler.
📉 Length vs. Reactions (Curved, Not Linear)
<150 words: Often too short to build emotion. Exceptions: punchy idea or visual story.
400–800 words: Sweet spot for skimmability and punch.
1,000–2,000 words: Best if story-driven or deeply insightful.
2,000+ words: Needs strong pacing, sectioning, and emotional investment.
The best-performing long posts often use mini-hooks every 2–3 paragraphs.
🧪 A/B Testing Examples That Work
Finally here’s the good stuff:
Headline A/B Tests:
"How I Lost $1M" vs "The $1M Mistake That Changed Everything"
→ Second one often wins (curiosity + change story)
Tone A/B Tests:
Personal tone vs detached third-person.
→ Personal tone almost always performs better.
Title + Thumbnail vs Plain Text
→ Thumbnail/image + headline gives a 30–60% uplift in email open rate.
🚫 What Not to Do: The Fastest Way to Get Zero Engagement
If you’re aiming for silence with no opens, no replies, no shares just do the opposite of what works. Duh.
Here’s the anti-formula:
Write in 3rd-person about general topics
Readers don’t connect to “a person” writing it.
Use academic or corporate tone
Sounds like a whitepaper. People scan, then bounce.
Over-explain in the intro
No curiosity = no reason to read. Kill the hook, kill the post.
Title it like a report
“Monthly Content Engagement Trends” is not a human magnet.
Hide the point until the end
People don’t have the patience to “get to the point.”
Ignore formatting
Long paragraphs feel heavy. Dense = skipped.
Make it about you without a takeaway for them
Readers think: “Cool story, but why should I care?”
Skip a call to action
No next step = no replies, no shares, no momentum.
Sound like everyone else
“Top 5 productivity hacks” gets ignored unless you flip it.
Use jargon instead of emotion
“Frameworks” ≠ “Feeling.” Jargon repels attention.
💥 The Substack Secret that Get’s Attention?
Ok let’s sum it all up to find out what actually get’s attention?
To get the most attention you’ll need…
Posts that win don’t feel like content.
They feel like conversations you didn’t know you needed.
The secret isn’t a trick, it’s just writing like you care.
Posts with a curiosity headline
1st-person emotionally honest stories
Clearly formatted and skimmable content
Timely topics with a contrarian or personal twist
Embedded CTA that invites interaction
So if you're writing with limited time...
Best Combo:
Personal story (1st person) + curiosity hook + timely niche topic + clear format + emotional insight + simple CTA
Plug this formula into a headline:
“How I [unexpected outcome] by [doing something weird/simple] – and what I’d never do again.”
Example:
“How I Got 10,000 Subscribers by Deleting Twitter and Why I’d Never Do It Again”
If you made it this far, do this 👇
Let’s switch it up a bit.
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If you disagree, have a suggestion, leave a comment and share it as a Substack note. 📝
If you don’t do any of these things I’ll assume you’re a bot 🤖
Capeesh? 😎